Hello!

This will be my last post as a 20-something-year-old as tomorrow, I will be entering my 30s, so I thought, “Why not reply to something I wrote to myself 5 years ago?“

And so I’m here, reading and replying to the letter at the same time.

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Hi, 29-year old Arrianne! I’m 24-year old Arrianne. I just decided to call you that because nowadays I prefer being called by my nickname instead of my real one.

Hi, Arrianne! Nice to see you again. At the moment, I prefer to be called Yan or Claude. It feels more like me when someone calls me by those names.

I don’t actually know where to start. 2020 had just ended, and it’s still surreal to me. I currently don’t have a job, which is both amazing and saddening, but I’m waiting for a reply about my application for a part time job.

Trust me, it will come sooner that you think, and in no time, you’ll be taking care of people again.

So most of the time I feel really down, and if not it’s anxiety attacking me. I rarely have moments where I feel genuinely happy, and when I do, it’s always with people who are dear to me. But sometimes I feel really stupid about trying to fit in with the others because I don’t even know if they care about me. And I hate that feeling.

Please know that it will come to a point that you wouldn’t care anymore what other people think about you, and it will give you so much peace of mind when you do.

Pandemic’s still here. It really sucks honestly. Almost one year since it started, and no significant change whatsoever. It only seemed to grow worse than it already was, considering the issues with the government.

I’m happy to report that, covid-wise, it’s not as bad as it was now. There’s still a lot of cases, but thanks to the vaccine, mortality rate has decreased. Government? Sad to say that it has gotten worse, but please don’t lose hope yet because the side you’re taking on the upcoming elections will make such a huge effect on everyone.

Anyway.

So.

29-year old Arrianne.

How’s it going?

Does anyone outside of your family call you that?

No one still.

24-year old you has been worrying about taking exams for abroad. Are you already out of the country? How long have you been there? Or are you still here in the Philippines?

I know you’ll be surprised to learn that I am now living and working in the UK, and have been for over 4 years.

Speaking of which, how’s the justice system? Who are the government officials? Who’s the president? Is the pandemic over yet? Please tell me that everything’s getting better.

Honestly, you’re better off not knowing at the moment. Everything’s just an equivalent to a circus. People are being tricked into thinking that people currently taking positions in the government are competent enough to be there. Thankfully though, there’s no lockdown anymore. We’re still being careful, but at least we’re able to move around more freely.

Anyway, are you able to do your hobbies as much as you want to? How many books have you hoarded last month? Are you already accepting drawing commissions? Do you write a lot? Have you lessened your screen time on your phone?

Unfortunately, no. The last time I finished drawing something that I started was towards the end of 2021, which is chronologically closer to you than to me. But you know what? You will be discovering this comedy improv group that will take you out of that artblock, and will make you draw A6 portraits at least a week before your birthday. As for reading, I have only gone through around 5-6 since the start of the year. I’m currently on Marissa Meyer’s Gilded, but I haven’t touched it for over a month, so there’s that. I haven’t bought a book last month, but I did hoarde almost a hundred books since the first birthday here in the UK, and I’ve only gone through less than 20 of them. You’re still glued to your phone, but at least now you’re not losing much sleep over it.

Speaking of phones, do you still use Samsung? Or have you given in to the demands of society and decided to switch to Apple?

Always on Team Samsung! And guess what? I was able to upgrade to the S-series!

How are your friends? Your coworkers from your first job? Are they already out of the country, too? Is there anybody from your first job currently in the same country as you?

There’s very few of them left. Some had already gone to the US, some to Germany, some to the UK. I won’t lie, I have grown apart from them, and it is because of our different opinions on politics. There was a conflict in morals, and so I had to distance myself from them. Sometimes I miss them, but then I remember who they support.

How’s Ces? How long has she been staying in Germany already? Is Jayo still a clinical instructor?

Ces has been in Germany for almost 5 years now, and she’s about to get her citizenship, which is so great for her. I think Jayo resigned after the 1st semester in 2021, and we went to the UK at the same time.

How are mama and papa? Fuck no, I’m not going to delve deeper, I’m already emotional enough.

It’s safe to say they’re completely fine. It’s been a year since we saw them, we’ve only been back home twice, and plane tickets are too expensive. Although both ends get homesickness due to being apart from each other, we’re somehow thriving. Mama and papa had traveled to Hong Kong, Vietnam, Palawan and -what do you know- South Korea, so I’d say, while they always say they really missed us, they’re trying to enjoy life. Fingers crossed, we’ll be able to get them to visit us next year.

Alriiiight, enough with that.

I am currently figuring out my feelings for this guy I’ve only started crushing on last year, although it’s been almost 9 years since I first saw him. I know it’s starting to become more than just a crush, and I really don’t know what to do about it.

Let me tell you, it’s still there at the moment, but the feeling’s not as strong as it was. We haven’t spoken to each other since last year, so I think it helped me take my mind off him.

Wait… are you already in a relationship? Holy shit. Is it someone I already know, or do I still have yet to meet them. Or are you still single? Either way, I respect your choices. I just hope you aren’t a bitter person that I didn’t want to turn into.

News: I am, indeed, asexual, so no, I don’t have any urge to be in a relationship.

Are there currently any changes in your body? Are you thinner? Have you gained weight? Or is your body size still the same as mine? Is your skin tone lighter? Did you get scars and dark spots removed? Is your jawline a bit more prominent? Do you wear makeup now? Or are you more comfortable bare-faced?

I’d say I gained some weight. There was a point last year when it fluctuated between 65 and 69 kgs. We had a weight loss challenge with my colleagues and I mamaged to lose around 4-5 kgs. I kept on putting off gym, but hopefully, I get to start a more proper gym regimen. Scarring feom my acne is still there, and I’m having trouble getting a good skin care routine. But no, I’m never touching a makeup brush… except when I’m drawing.

How’s your self-esteem? Are you already confident with how you look? Please say you are. I’d be devastated if you aren’t through with that yet.

Not that bad, but still there. I’m still having issues with my body image, but I’m more comfortable now with the clothes that I wear. They’re not so ill-fitting anymore, so I thinking I’m finally getting my style.

Are you still experiencing anxiety attacks? I hope you’re doing better than I am.

1st 2 years of work here in the UK, I was a mess. They had to refer me to occupational health, and they suggested I have to only take long day shifts, as most of the attacks happen at night. So since the start of 2025, I had only worked a total of 3 night shifts. At some point, they asked me if I’ve got ADHD, which I’ve been planning to speak to the general practitioner about, but I kept on putting it off. Only had a couple of anxiety attacks since last year, but otherwise okay.

Are you happy? I hope you are happy. I really do. I hope you’re currently with people who accept you for who you are without you trying hard to fit in.

I would say I am. Despite the heavy workload, the cost of living, I can say I still get to do things I wanted to do.

How does it feel like reading this letter that you’ve written when you were 5 years younger?

Not going to lie, it feels weird yet oddly healing. There’s a lot of differences between how we’re currently living, and the environments that you and I are in, but being able to give you answers that I know you will be happy about is also making me happy. Except for that government part, of course.

I am really getting scared now. You can just tell me everything you can think of that I haven’t asked yet.

Let’s just say that you’re going to so many places you wouldn’t have dreamt of visiting, and you’ll get to see artists you’ve listened to on your phone in live shows. Oh, and you’ll get to visit London as often as you could as you live less than an hour away.

One more thing that might shock you: you’ll get to see Tom Hiddleston up close in the wild.

I just hope that you’re okay. I just hope that everyone else is okay, too.P.s. I just realized that a lot can happen in 5 years. Please don’t be dead yet.

I am not going to lie, I still don’t see my future very well, but for you, it’s going to be the most excited 5 years of your life.

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