Just call anytime today, guys.

That’s was the last message I sent to the group. It was after a week of trying to plan out a video call with friends – all of who live over a thousand miles away from each other – and deciding what day will work best.

It had been over a year since the last time I saw their faces and heard their voices, so excitement crept up as I waited. I didn’t have anything else to do. It was a day off, so I was just lounging around the house.

Day turned to night, and I haven’t received any notification, not even a message. I opened our group chat and saw that I wasn’t even left on read.

Maybe they got really busy, I thought, and left it at that.

Next day came, and still no update. The group chat wasn’t even opened by the others, and my message went on to be labeled as Delivered Sunday, September 14, 2:00pm.

Nah, they might have slept through or got really busy, I tried to reason with myself, but the other voice in my head whispered, If they were busy, they would’ve replied already and tried to reschedule it, right?

I shook it off, and went on with my day.

It went on for an entire week. Everyday, I would open the chat, and it would still show the same thing. I didn’t want to send another one again, as I thought I’d bother them.

Exactly 7 days letter, the feeling became so heavy that I decided to message one of them, who initiated asking everyone’s days off.

Nobody read my last message in the chat hahaha

I wanted to tell them to at least read it, but I didn’t want to sound confrontational, thus the last part.

That message was left unread as well, and still is today.

Not even a single hey, sorry I got busy. It was dead silence.

I felt ignored.

I felt like I wasn’t worth even 30 seconds of being replied to.

I felt like I was just trying hard to fit in and failing at it.

I felt mad at myself for even trying.

I wanted to let them know what I felt, but I didn’t want to press, and I didn’t have energy to even talk to anyone.

It has been months since that happened, my messages are still unread, and it still bothers me so much that I keep on doubting myself if I was ever anybody’s friend.

It just gives me more reasons why I shouldn’t have friends. You didn’t have any friends that lasted long in your first 20 years of your life, what difference will in make now? the voice in my head continues to tell me.

If I just didn’t long for any human interaction as I grew older, it would’ve been easy to ignore. Unfortunately, I did seek for it, and it kept on disappointing me everytime.

And I’m tired of it.