I had just come back home with my sisters and friends from a 3-day excursion in Oxford, and this was the first time in my 3.5 years here in the UK that I had to go out to mull over some things because my mood had dropped.

Don’t get me wrong; I had a great time with everyone. I don’t mind physical exhaustion from walking around.

It was my emotional energy. Or the lack of.

As far as I could remember, I still had some kind of feeling – happiness and awe most of that time – while we were out on a walking tour, but a few minutes after it ended, I felt nothing. Just an absolute void.

Sure, I still managed to talk a bit with others, but it was forced, like I was mandated to speak to them.

This always happens to me after feeling some sort of high on pleasure. Once that event ends, so does any feeling, may it be positive or negative.

I know it’s great to experience things that make you feel exhilarated, but after a few events’ worth of pleasure immediately turning to hollowness, I don’t know if I wanted to do that anymore. Just looking at my planner for next year makes me sick.

There’s only 12 days left from this year and I wanted to make the most of it, but now I don’t even have enough energy to even try. I don’t even want to interact with other people at the moment, including my own sisters and friends. I just wanted to be left alone.