Written at some point back in April.

It started with me going back home to spend vacation with my family. It was to celebrate my mother’s 60th birthday and retirement.

I only managed to spend a couple weeks because I encountered a few bumps a week prior. Only 2 weeks and then I had to go back to work halfway across the globe.

It had only been 2 days since I landed and I’m currently at work.

I was fine. I was just fighting jetlag at the moment but that wasn’t a big deal.

What triggered was when the water bill came and it was more than twice of how much we usually pay.

It was a stupid reason, but it was enough reason for my anxiety to rise again.

Reality just came crashing through. The possibility that I won’t be able to earn as much money to support my parents. The fact that no one will be able to take care of them if they get sick. That the inevitability of death is just there, waiting, and it can take any of us.

I’m in the middle of my job and I can’t afford to go off sick again. I had just closed my previous absences and just narrowly escaped getting on to the 2nd stage.

I struggle, but for some reason I’m not able to share my problems with others.

I don’t want to put the burden on them. I could carry it for as long as I could, but my mental health will be the one suffering.

I have a lot of things going on in my mind. Should I just quit my job now and go home to support my parents? Should I just spend 3 more years to get the citizenship?

I know that there is no time limit here, but I just felt like everything is a time bomb ready to be set off.