Ever been so obsessed with someone who is fictional or might be real but doesn’t know who you are – like a celebrity?

There might be a lot of people who will say yes to this. There are some who would deny it but it’s actually true.

I know. I’ve seen this kind, and I personally know one of them.

That person is me.

Yes, I struggle with parasocialism although I try to keep it subtle.

It’s embarrassing. I once had a little tantrum at an airport because I didn’t want to go into the departure area yet because I was thinking I would be able to meet my favorite YouTubers there, who were in town for a tour at that time. I went to a nearby city by myself because another YouTuber, who came from the other side of the world, posted themselves on vacation in that place. I secretly went to a theatre show to see this actor live and when it ended, I invited my sister to watch him because I wanted to see them again. I’ve watched tons of videos of a certain person in a day that they would end up in my dreams that very same night.

And just in the past week, I had an amazing experience of watching a live show by the front barricade, during which a guy standing next to me was given an opportunity to sing in front of the crowd and I caught it all in camera. Immediately when we got on the train home, I edited the video and posted it on social media, trying to get the attention of the artist who performed that night.

The day after the show, during work, I felt so uneasy that I had to ask my co-worker for a short break. I was in the staff room when I took a look at it and thought, “What the fuck am I doing?”

And all thoughts came rushing to me about how would these people feel if they learned that this person right here is fantasizing about meeting them.

It took me so long to realize that I am displaying this creepy behavior and I despise the person I’m turning out to be because of it.

I have no one to share this with in real life because I know they’re just going to be weirded out by me, and I’ve only got a small number of friends. I had just finished therapy as well so I wasn’t able to open this up with them, although I’m currently thinking of looking up another one just so I can have someone to talk me through this, on top of my recurrent anxiety attacks, short attention span and procrastination issues.

This is why I’m posting this here as an outlet, as usual when I don’t have anywhere to run to. I started writing this post during that time I was on that short break at work and I’m just finishing it now, 6 hours before I’m supposed to wake up to start another shift.

I do hope that I’ll have a clear mind once I get out of bed in the morning and that soon, I’ll get over this kind obsession with people.