Hi, 29-year old Arrianne! I’m 24-year old Arrianne. I just decided to call you that because nowadays I prefer being called by my nickname instead of my real one.

I don’t actually know where to start. 2020 had just ended, and it’s still surreal to me. I currently don’t have a job, which is both amazing and saddening, but I’m waiting for a reply about my application for a part time job.

So most of the time I feel really down, and if not it’s anxiety attacking me. I rarely have moments where I feel genuinely happy, and when I do, it’s always with people who are dear to me. But sometimes I feel really stupid about trying to fit in with the others because I don’t even know if they care about me. And I hate that feeling.

Pandemic’s still here. It really sucks honestly. Almost one year since it started, and no significant change whatsoever. It only seemed to grow worse than it already was, considering the issues with the government.

Anyway.

So.

29-year old Arrianne.

How’s it going?

Does anyone outside of your family call you that?

24-year old you has been worrying about taking exams for abroad. Are you already out of the country? How long have you been there? Or are you still here in the Philippines?

Speaking of which, how’s the justice system? Who are the government officials? Who’s the president? Is the pandemic over yet? Please tell me that everything’s getting better.

Anyway, are you able to do your hobbies as much as you want to? How many books have you hoarded last month? Are you already accepting drawing commissions? Do you write a lot? Have you lessened your screen time on your phone?

Speaking of phones, do you still use Samsung? Or have you given in to the demands of society and decided to switch to Apple?

How are your friends? Your coworkers from your first job? Are they already out of the country, too? Is there anybody from your first job currently in the same country as you?

How’s Ces? How long has she been staying in Germany already? Is Jayo still a clinical instructor?

How are mama and papa? Fuck no, I’m not going to delve deeper, I’m already emotional enough.

Alriiiight, enough with that.

I am currently figuring out my feelings for this guy I’ve only started crushing on last year, although it’s been almost 9 years since I first saw him. I know it’s starting to become more than just a crush, and I really don’t know what to do about it.

Wait… are you already in a relationship? Holy shit. Is it someone I already know, or do I still have yet to meet them. Or are you still single? Either way, I respect your choices. I just hope you aren’t a bitter person that I didn’t want to turn into.

Are there currently any changes in your body? Are you thinner? Have you gained weight? Or is your body size still the same as mine? Is your skin tone lighter? Did you get scars and dark spots removed? Is your jawline a bit more prominent? Do you wear makeup now? Or are you more comfortable bare-faced?

How’s your self-esteem? Are you already confident with how you look? Please say you are. I’d be devastated if you aren’t through with that yet.

Are you still experiencing anxiety attacks? I hope you’re doing better than I am.

Are you happy? I hope you are happy. I really do. I hope you’re currently with people who accept you for who you are without you trying hard to fit in.

How does it feel like reading this letter that you’ve written when you were 5 years younger?

I am really getting scared now. You can just tell me everything you can think of that I haven’t asked yet.

I just hope that you’re okay. I just hope that everyone else is okay, too.

P.s. I just realized that a lot can happen in 5 years. Please don’t be dead yet.