I turned 23 years old yesterday and you know how I spent my birthday?

I was at a city 50 kilometers away from home the whole afternoon just to renew my license ID. I didn’t expect the line to be that long and the process actually only took an hour out of the almost 5 hours that I was there.

I was mad at myself for getting home at half past seven in the evening, as my family waited for me to celebrate my day.

But no. Although they didn’t tell me, I still felt like they were disappointed in me. My mother waited for me at the mall so that we could go home together but I told her that if it took longer, she should already go without me. And she did, because she was tired.

I woke up late this morning not remembering that I had just turned a year older. I had brunch, qatched a little TV, scrolled through social media, and went to bed to nap to power up for work later at night.

But I couldn’t. I twisted and turned in bed, wondering why I feel exhausted but my mind still wouldn’t let me sleep.

Then, a wave of thoughts came crashing in. The first one was my work. I’ve been longing to breathe air months after I started working, and though vacation leaves helped, it was only temporary. I plan to resign around September to November, and find review centers for IELTS or NCLEX.

Another thought: I don’t have enough money to pay for the review and the actual exams. My parents told me they would support me, but as someone who is working, I thought that it was shameless of me to ask them for more when they already had completely supported me for the first 20 years of my life, and they still do up until now.

Last thought: what if I failed my exams? Will I still have the dignity to continue with life? Should I go on with studying? Or should I go back to work? A lot of people will judge me for my decisions anyway. I know that I shouldnt mind them because they’ve got nothing to do with me, but my anxiety is back again.

I don’t know if this is quarter-life crisis but it sure feels like one. I just hope I would be able to get past this.