Have you ever had that feeling that you are not needed? That other people are fine without you? That you are just like a useless disturbance in others’ lives?

That’s what I usually feel when I’m with a group of so-called “friends”.

I’m dubbed as the silent one in our class during high school because you rarely hear me speak, aside from when I actually recite or being spoken to, to which I only have limited words composed into a very short answer.

It’s also the very reason why it’s hard for me to find a group of friends that I actually fit in to because most– I mean almost every group of friends I have make me feel awkward and out of place.

My class in freshman college was composed of 13 people, including me, and, because we were still strangers, we still have separate groups that we hang out with; I had two of my classmates… for a good two and a half months before they became an item and I became nothing more than a third-wheeler.

So there I went, trying to make friends again, which I obtained during the second semester when a student  of the same course (but a year ahead of us and had an irregular schedule) joined our English class and she instantly became my friend (and close friend up until this day). She then introduced me to two other classmates of hers (who became our classmates later on) at the start of summer class. I began to hang out with them until the end of 1st semester sophomore year when one of them left, since she and her family were finally migrating to the US. Along with that, our class number dropped to 9 so our class became popular around the campus as we have the smallest population in the entire student body. That was when my classmates and I began to hang out as a whole group.

I thought everything was fine… until 3rd year second semester when I became closer to one of my friends from summer class and she started to back-stab others, especially a certain one, who I’m very close to, who she called a bitch, and I learned that she was also talking about me behind my back saying that I was a shitty leader. I felt betrayed, as I thought that I could trust her. I forgave her after that, although she didn’t know that I knew.

End of that semester. I was already a bit spoken out, thanks to the help of my classmates. There was a time one of them was online and sent me a proof of one of her lies, which I had just found out. Turns out that she was an incessantly backstabbing, lying motormouth. They managed to squeeze out remarks from me, as it did trigger me.

And without my knowledge, although I didn’t mentioned her name in our conversation , they took a screenshot of my part in our conversation, with the profile of that classmate on the background, posted it on Facebook and tagged said classmate on the photo. 

Never in my life have I felt so exposed and these people who I called “friends” decided to do that thing.

I felt rage so strong that I actually cried as I stared at the post which I have no control over. I couldn’t tell them to delete it anymore because it was too late. People have seen it already and all I wanted to do was to burst.

I have trust issues ever since around junior high school but I somehow lost it during college and gained it back after all those drama I passed through.

Due to that repossession of trust issue, I was isolated yet again. Previously, I would’ve enjoyed solitude a hundred percent. I still enjoyed it after that but it felt that something was missing.

It was friends. Friends that I never had during my first phase of seclusion and now that I have experienced it, I wanted to have more. I loosened my grip on my trust issues but I never completely let go of it.

I had another group of friends during college, all of who I met and became close with during the 1st semester of my last year. It was a low-maintenance friendship but it feels good when I meet up with them and there’d be a tonne of topics to talk about. Although I still feel like a fish out of the water as there were things that only they know, like an inside joke.

I spent the last semester and my last summer of freedom with that half of my class that I was close with and all we did was banter and work together as a team and nothing negative.

I do have friends at my workplace but I rarely get to see them as we have different schedule at different shifts so it’s difficult for us to find a day when we are all off duty for us to be able to hang out.

As for those group of friends in college who I’m close to, I still talk to them but rarely now. I would send them a message every now and then but everyone is a bit busier now that we are full-grown adults with responsibilities but I know that the friendship is still there, strong and unbreakable.