As I lay down on bed, smiling from earlier’s memories, I closed my eyes, thinking that I am living the life I’ve always wanted to have.

That was what I believed in.

Because the moment my head fell onto my pillow, thoughts began rushing in, negativity replacing positivity, darkness replacing light.

What if these people are tricking me?

What if they are just making me think that I have actual friends?

What if I’ve done something wrong?

What if I missed something?

What if they are laughing about it or fuming mad at me?

Now that these thoughts flashed through my mind, I opened my eyes, trying to see clear again, as the good things were disappearing, the blazing sun setting and all I see is a sky full of dark clouds threatening to make an imaginary rainstorm ready to pound against my head.

I hate myself, I thought.

Why do I even exist? Is this the life worth living for? Is there anymore that I could lose?

Not a moment later, that rainstorm formed, pushing through the ducts and out of my eyes taking the form of tears, sliding down my cheeks and onto my pillow.

As I pulled the duvet over my body and turned to face the wall, I closed my eyes and breathed in deeply and out slowly, trying to repress everything that might trigger me again and hoping that it wouldn’t come out again any sooner.